Standing Out or Outstanding?

My kids are at that prime age where "fitting in" is of utmost importance. When you're growing up, no one wants to be the person that stands out. Do what the group does, say what the group says, wear what the the group wears... that's the safe bet. Kids with autism are no different and I've heard JD tell me many times that he feels like he has no friends even though I know that's not the case. But it's extremely hard for him to blend in with the crowd because of his quirks. His conversations are typically one-sided (based on his topic of interest/obsession), his bluntness can be taken as rude, and his difficulty understanding and using humor makes for some interesting jokes! But what I've tried to tell him time and time again is, "Why fit in when you were born to stand out?" (Thank you Dr. Seuss for these wise words!) Being different is awesome, it's what makes you YOU. Standing out is really outstanding when you think of it. Of course convincing a 10-year-old of this fact is easier said than done. Even as adults we all struggle with this desire to fit in with the crowd but God made each of us different for a reason and that's because diversity is beautiful - even neurodiversity! Everyone brings something important to the table.

When JD was younger and first diagnosed with autism we thought a lot about the things he couldn't do and worked very hard to make him as "typical" as possible. Even to this day I think I have a tendency to do this - of course the intention is to help him become as independent as possible. But some days I have to remind myself embrace his differences and the gifts he's been given and focus on his abilities rather than his disabilities. He's so creative and can build beautiful creations with Legos or in Minecraft that I could never dream of making. He genuinely cares about people and is the first to offer me a hug and kiss when I've had a bad day.  He's funny and makes me laugh and some of the things that come out of his mouth are priceless. I really should keep a journal of them. But if my focus is always to make him "normal" (whatever the heck that is?) then I miss out on those things that make him special.

So as the years go on, my mindset as an autism mom has really changed - love and embrace the child that he is, not who I think he should be. Never stop working for independence, but don't trade in the uniqueness just to be accepted. And of course, continue to love unconditionally as we all want to be loved. :)

Always Searching for Answers

Searching - adj - thoroughly scrutinizing, especially in a disconcerting way. 

If there's one universal truth about autism moms it's that they are in constant search for answers or information. Today I received an email from a mom in the Czech Republic who found my blog and recognized something her son does that is similar to what JD used to do, called visual stimming. I wrote a post about it long ago in 2010. It was one of the first signs of JD's autism, but I had no idea what it was. I just knew that he would play with cars in a very specific way - rolling them past his eyes very closely while he laid on the ground, played at a table, or waved them by his face as he sat in the high chair. I did the exact same thing she did - search the internet for videos or blogs that might be able to provide some explanation. 

That's your life when your child is first diagnosed with autism - searching for answers. I remember spending hours at the computer in the middle of the night watching YouTube videos searching for mannerisms in other autistic children that looked like JD. I was thankful that the videos were there because they would provide some evidence to support what I was telling his doctors, but at the same time tears would roll from my eyes because the evidence is hard to accept. What amazes me though is that this isn't the first time I've received messages from other autism moms searching for help; I actually get a few messages a year from people all over the country. It never even occurred to me when I started writing about JD, I was also providing insight into our experiences and autistic world that other parents could relate to. They are even so sweet as to ask about the progress of JD, since as you can see, I don't post nearly as often as I did when he was little!

The good thing is that it's a miracle to be able to say that things have gotten easier, or maybe autism is just the norm for us now. I was so worried when he was diagnosed about his future and his life - you have no idea what to expect. But what you don't realize at the time is that you don't change the autism, autism changes you. JD's autism has made me a better person. It opened my eyes up to a world outside of my bubble which consisted of mostly the neurotypical and non-disabled. It gave me such empathy for others, it forced me to learn patience I never thought I could have, and stretched my heart to encompass not only wanting to help my son with special needs, but so many others. But that's exactly  what autism parents do - we become an unwavering support system for each other, we become tour guides for the parents whose children are just being diagnosed, and we become stronger as each day passes and each small achievement is made. 

I'm thankful that this parent reached out to me today. It made me stop and think about JD's journey and progress and be thankful for how far he's come. I think a great resolution for 2018 is to get back into my blogging because autism doesn't stop when your child turns 3 or 4. It's a lifetime journey and I'm happy to be the person who documents it!

(Me and JD from Christmas - he's almost 10 years old now and in 4th grade. He's now considered "high-functioning" and is academically on grade level. His challenges now are mostly social and emotional, but we are lucky that he has a wonderful group of friends and a fantastic school to support him!)

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