Thursday, August 22, 2013

I Admit it, I get Jealous.

I know that "normal" is only a setting a on dryer, but sometimes I wish that my life was just that... a little more normal. When you have a child with special needs your life is turned upside down. Sometimes, on bad days, you feel like you're living in a prison. You can't do things that other people can do, you can't go places other people go. It can be very lonely because you feel like no one else can understand what you're going through.

The past two months have been very emotional for me. JD started kindergarten at First Hope and while I'm so excited he's finally started his journey there, it also makes me realize that his autism is for life. I drop him off everyday with kids his age as well as those that are much older than him and it's hard. It makes me think about the future and stress about where he'll go in life. When he was first diagnosed I always felt that we could do enough therapy to make it go away, it was kind of my mission, and lately I've realized it just doesn't go away. I'm reminded of that daily and it makes me sad and worried and then back to sad.

Sadness quickly turns to jealousy. And I'll admit it -  I'm jealous of everyone else having a normal life. I'm jealous of my friends who can go out to eat with their spouses because they either don't have kids or have no problem finding a babysitter because their kids are "normal". I'm jealous of the money they save by not having to pay for therapy, special schools, doctor appointments, etc. I'm jealous because I had to go back to work after being a stay-at-home mom to pay for all of those things. I'm jealous of my friends having fun on the weekends when I'm stuck at home, a prisoner of JD's routine. I'm just jealous... I wish I wasn't but I am. Some days I can deal with it, others I can't. I wish people knew that.

But then there are moments like today, when I picked up JD from school and he turned and said to me, "Mommy, I always love you." Those moments make me realize that I'm just being selfish. I love him more than words can explain, more than going out to eat in peace, more than going shopping with friends on the weekend, more than the money I could save by putting him a regular school... more than my desire a "normal" life.

Jealousy is a crappy thing. The grass is always greener on the other side. But sometimes my grass looks pretty green, I just forget to look at it long enough to appreciate it.


Jen said...

Hey Lindsay! I can certainly relate. There are many days that I wish our lives were more "normal" too. It is hard when none of your friends are going through anything similar and say they sympathize, but really don't get it. But like you said, those small moments we get from our special kiddos make up all the difference. Hang in there and glad to know it's not just me!

Ashley said...

I know my situation is very different from yours, but I can relate to the feeling of wanting to be "normal". There are times I wish that Rob would be like everyone else's spouse or partner...that he was the kind of person I could take to a party or social event and not worry, "How's he going to interact? Is this going to be one of those times that he says nothing all night and spends the entire night on the phone? Or is this going to be one of those nights where he gets into a conversation about one of his special interests and interrupts other people?" You may have already read this, but I read something a while ago that stayed with me. There's a poem called "Welcome to Holland" by Emily Pearl Kingsley. I definitely relate to a lot of it...and reading this post made me think of it again! There are definitely a lot of wonderful things about marrying a man with Asperger's, and I appreciate them all..but I do understand the feeling of wishing you were "normal" sometimes.