Wednesday, May 12, 2010


Every night I sit in bed trying to sleep - or I'll fall asleep early, say around 9:00 and then wake up and can't go back to sleep. I'm in this trap of insomnia and I feel like it's just getting worse as the stress increases. The only thing that helps me sleep is getting up and writing down all my thoughts so that I can finally put them to rest in my head, so here I am now doing just that....

Tonight my head is filled with worry about tomorrow and Friday because tomorrow we have JD's 2-hour evaluation with Early Steps - Florida's Early Intervention program. Then Friday I have a well check for my 6-month old Kyle. This normally would not be a big deal, but I haven't even gotten his shots from his 4 month checkup (which I forgot to schedule) and now with all of this going on with JD I'm just not sure I want to have his shots done right now. I know what the doctor will say - there's no scientific proof that the shots are a cause of autism - but all I know is that looking back, I starting seeing signs of JD's autism when he was about 7 months old. So that freaks me out. I know they are going to pressure me into the shots (and I agree he needs them) but I'll hate myself forever if I go ahead and get them and then the same thing happens to him. I just don't know what to do.

Also on Friday afternoon I'm taking my parents to go see the group therapy preschool I'm enrolling JD in for the summer. I've spent HOURS researching all of the therapy options in the area and there are tons, and I think this is my best bet. With two other kids to take care of all day, it's nearly impossible for me to give him the attention he needs to work on his gross motor, fine motor, speech, sensory and behavior issues. When we're at home he sits and stims with his trains most of the day. I try to pull him out of his world, but I also have to feed a 6-month old 5 times a day and pay attention to my 3.5 year old. I can't just ignore them so I can work with JD. So I've decided the best bet is to take him to this small preschool that helps them learn those skills for about 4 hours a day. It's fairly expensive - $160/week, but when you compare it to 1:1 therapy it's actually way less expensive, even if that's covered by insurance. The problem is not the program, it's getting my dad to agree to pay for it. He's the one funding JD's therapy and when we first found out about his diagnosis he said that he'd help by paying for therapy. Well I finally get a plan in place and now he wants to "talk about other options".... the stress that adds to my life is enormous. I feel like I have to plead my case on why this is the best option in order for JD to go. I understand that it's his money and he needs to be involved with the decision, but I wish he understood how much time I've spent looking into the other options and just trust that I'm not making this decision out of haste, but rather hours of thinking about what is going to work for JD and our family as a whole. He just thinks I'm too emotional - but I'm not sure how I take my emotions out of this process.

I think the worst part of all of this is the depression that I've fallen into. It's getting worse and I find myself avoiding family, friends and even my kids because I just can't handle anymore. Everyday is such a struggle and unless you have a child with the same issues, it's hard to understand. Simple things like eating, changing diapers, getting into the car, trying to communicate are so much more difficult. It just wears on you as a mom. I've met with my doctor and we're working on a solution, but in the meantime it's just really hard. My emotions are like a rollercoaster and the smallest things could set me off for the whole day.

Well it's 1:30 and I better try to fall asleep. I wish I could turn off my brain like Jason can... I just sit and stare at the ceiling wishing I could stop worrying.

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